Monday, April 23, 2012

Well...that was an adventure...

For those of you that don't know, I am currently 37 weeks pregnant.  This means that I am about the size of a baby whale and move at the pace of a snail.  In my very pregnant and uncomfortable state I have been neglecting to shave as much as I used to because its a pain in the ass and I have no man to impress.  Well, with my due date getting closer and it starting to be warmer around here I decided to shave tonight.  I don't want to go into labor looking like my lady bits ate a fur ball and barfed it back up ya know.  Let me tell you...shaving ANY part of your body below your waits at this stage of pregnancy SUCKS!!!!  I am about to get a bit personal for those of you that don't care to know, for the rest of you, enjoy a laugh at my expense :)

First I will say that my legs are horribly swollen tonight, so this may not have been the best night to attempt this because anything that puts pressure on my legs causes them to kind of dent in, so I am attempting to shave my fat legs with dips in them...NOT SMART.  I grab my razor and soap up my scrubby and as soon as I leaned over to soap up my leg my son decides to kick me HARD in the ribs.  He doesn't like to have his space invaded at all.  The kick took my breath away it hurt so bad!  I took a deep breath and held it and leaned over again...I almost reached the bottom of my leg before he kicked me again, but I wasn't going to let him make me sit back up again...ssssttttttrrrrrrrreeeeeeeettttttccccccchhhhhhhh.....YAY!  I reached the bottom of my leg!!  I figure since I am already this far I'll go ahead and soap the other one so I repositioned myself a little and soaped the other leg.  Phew...I'm already out of breath and baby is NOT happy so he's protesting by kicking and punching me in my ribs and bladder.  Step 2...shave...*sigh* this is gonna take awhile.  I grab my razor and take yet another deep breath and rrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaccccccccccchhhhhhhhhh....I did it again!  I reached the bottom of my leg!  Hot damn maybe this wont be so hard after all!  Hahahahahahahaha wishful thinking.  I got like 2 strips of y leg done before my lack of oxygen started to get to me and I had to sit up again.  I repeat this process several more times until I FINALLY finished my first leg.  I go to do the second one only to realize, I need to soap it again because the first one took so long to do its dry and we all know you don't dry shave unless you want razor burn.  I grab my scrubby again and start the process over.  By this point my leg has been leaning on the side of the tub for so long I have a decent sized indention in it now.  This should be fun...not only am I about to pass out trying to do this but now I have a huge crater to shave too.  Oh well, gotta get it done.  I start to shave the other leg and all is going well until my little protester decides to cunt punt me from the inside.  Little brat kicked my in the cervix!  I swear I thought I was going it reach down there and feel a leg hanging out!  Don't worry, he's still in there, I checked for limbs hanging out before I continued with my shaving adventure.  OK, back to the task of getting myself shaved.  I get my leg done other than the the hell am I going to do this without it hurting or cutting myself?  HA!  I got it....I'll move onto my lady parts and when I'm done with that I'll shave the dented spot, it should be better by the time I'm done...right?  Now for the hard part...figuring out how to shave my wooha without slicing it open.  I got it!  I'll prop my leg up on the wall and just feel around!  *Shakes head* bad bad bad bad bad idea.  But it's really my only option since I don't have a mirror I can use and seeing what I am doing is out of the question since I have a beachball in my gut.  I get my razor and I start to slowly shave the easy biggie, I got this....its going great!  Naturally my arm is draped over my belly and as I go to start shaving some of the harder to reach areas I get my arm kicked so hard it made my arm move just a little and *slice* HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!!  It's like a paper cut on my vagina!!  I want ice, a band aid, an epidural....something to make it stop hurting!  This shit is worse than when I cut my finger open with scissors, and that needed stitches!  *DEEP BREATH* It's OK, I can do this, I have to finish now that I have started.  My hand is kind of shaking at this point.  I really don't want to cut myself again.  OK, lets do this...I can do reach back down there to my now throbbing lady bits and get back to work.  I never knew how effin hard it was to shave when you can't see what you are doing!  How the fuck do blind people do this?!  OH shit!  Back spasm!  *slip* OH MY GOD I THINK I JUST CUT OFF MY LIP!!!  Why did I think this was a good idea?!  What the hell is wrong with me?!  At this point I am only about half way done from what I can feel...and ya know what? I could care less!  There is no way in hell I am going anywhere near that area again with a razor till i can see what I am doing!!! have a Dr appt Thursday, I can't leave it like this my Dr will think I'm nuts...I have to finish...I have to...*deep breath* I can do this...I can finish this without cutting myself again...I've been doing this for years.  So I go back to work on mutilating myself.  Almost close to being least I think I am...*slice* WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN!?!?!?!?! There goes the other lip!  No need to worry about it being hairy down there anymore, I've cut the damn thing off!  At this point I can see blood in the water...that is never a good sign when it has to do with that area...EVER!  My lady parts feel like they are on fire from the cuts...but I have to push on...I have to finish...just a little more and I'm done...*deep breath* HA!!!! I'm done! finish my leg.  I reach down to shave the last little bit of my leg only to find that it is still dented in.  Know what, fuck it.  Its supposed to be cold enough for pants tomorrow.  I am sooooo not even going to attempt that one after I have sliced my lady bits all to hell already.  So I get out of the tub and dry off and decide to inspect my poor lady bits in the mirror....I want to see the damage and how good of a job I did.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  My wooha has little patches of hair that I missed and its still bleeding.  What is my brainiac idea?  Put a band aid on it!  So I am now sitting here with a band aid on my worst cut and dreading having to pull it off.....on the plus side...I at least got one leg shaved!


  1. hmmm ok im not a woman and i hurt just reading this :( Heather is not going to like this but i think ill share this with her as a sort of warning. Um congrats on getting the one leg done though.

    1. Thanks! Getting one leg done was quite the accomplishment all things considered! lol