Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Well, the band aid came off with minimal pain thank god!  I'm walking like I rode a horse for about a week without stopping and as long as I don't get too brave it doesn't hurt too bad.

Today is one of my "I hate anyone who isn't pregnant and miserable" days.  Not too unusual at this point in pregnancy for most women.  So I have decided to give you all a list of all the things that come with pregnancy that no one tells you about.  Hell, if someone would have told me about these things before I got pregnant with my oldest I would have NEVER had kids!

The beginning stages...
Morning sickness-  Some women don't get it at all, I never did, other women get it so bad they lose weight.  It can be triggered by ANYTHING.  But this is a common pregnancy thing that ya'll all knew about so there isn't much shock there right.

Constipation-  Yes you read that right.  It wont be long after your little belly bean starts to put just enough pressure on your bowels and nothing is going to get through there without some pain and suffering.

Diarrhea-  Then there are those of us that get the opposite end of the bowel issues and end up shitting like a wounded goose every time you eat something.  Good luck ladies, ya'll are going to end up with roids sooner than the rest of us.  Sorry.

Bloating-  Yes bloating, we all know its a cute little baby bump, but lets face it you don't see it as quite so cute since you feel like you are just REALLY bloated.  For those of you with constipation, don't be fooled, part of that is the mile long turd you have backed up in your intestines.  Enjoy that mental picture haha.

Sore Boobs-  Your tits are most likely going to ache and throb for a few weeks, if not longer.  Get used to it momma this pain will make another appearance later and I promise you will wish for the pain you are feeling now.  I didn't even want to wear a bra for a few weeks because the material rubbing them hurt so damn bad.

Smell-  You will smell EVERYTHING!  Your sense of smell will be so heightened that you will be able to tell people what they ate for dinner a week ago from their breath.  That stinky man in line behind you at the grocery store...ya, go ahead and puke on his shoes and tell him its all his fault.  This is, I believe, one of God's cruel jokes.  Give a woman who has an already sensitive stomach super smelling powers.  Haha thanks Big Man it's totally appreciated.  This super power won't go away until after baby is born so you may as well get used to it and figure out what your triggers are now.

The Middle Stages

Welcome to the 2nd trimester ladies!  Feeling those little nudges and kicks yet?  Awww they are sooo cute aren't they?!  For now....

More constipation!-  You read that right!  For those of you that didn't have it in the first trimester, get ready to experience it.  You won't shit right again until after your little bundle of joy arrives, and don't get me started on the post delivery poop.  At this point there is quite a bit of pressure on your shit shoot and its going to make it hard to poop.  I recommend a high fiber intake lots of water and prayer.

Hemorrhoids- These stinky little butt balloons usually start to show up in most women during the second trimester.  Don't worry, they will eventually go away.  They hurt like hell and make you want to cry every time you wipe your ass.  Tip for dealing with them, invest in lots of those flushable wipes and some Preparation H(side not, Preparation H is also works really well for those annoying crows feet, dab a little on at night before bed once or so a week to keep them from getting worse).

Heartburn-  This is about the time some women start to experience heartburn.  It will make you want to rip your throat out just to get some relief.  Sadly it will only get worse as baby gets bigger.  Get some mints ladies!  I swear by them.  The only reason I have survived this long is by chewing tic tacs constantly.  The red and white mints work great too but for that instant relief chew up a tic tac or 2 and then pop a mint or some mint gum.  Added bonus to this is, its not a medication so you don't have to worry about getting a prescription for from your Dr or spending tons of money on the chalky crap that you can get OTC.

Weight Gain- If you haven't had to buy bigger clothes by now you may want to go ahead and invest in some.  This is the time when you go to bed one night looking all cute with a tiny little baby bump and wake up with a basketball under your shirt.  By this trimester most Dr's want you to have gained about 10 extra pounds but since most of you wont have been able to eat much in the first trimester you are going to be stuffing your faces with everything you can get your hands on.  Translation, prepare to gain about 20lbs rapidly.

Constant Hunger-  You will stay hungry for most of this trimester.  Eat till your hearts content, just remember you are going to want to lose that weight after baby comes, well some of you will anyway, I personally don't care one way or the other.

Stretch Marks-  It's going to look like a tiger clawed your belly soon.  Get over it, no matter what kind of lotions and oils you use you are most likely still going to get them.  Yes they get lighter over time but they never go away on their own and there's nothing you can do about it.  Stop being vein and shut up with the complaining.  I have a road map of the earth on my belly after 4 pregnancies lol.

Add most of the stuff from the 1st trimester to these new problems and you have the perfect pregnancy!

The Final Stages!
 Congrats ladies you have made it to the last few months of pregnancy!  Feels great doesn't it?!  Haha who am I kidding.  Miserable yet?  Don't worry if you aren't you will be soon.

All of those symptoms listed already are going to continue for the most part....there are a few exceptions but not many.

Kicking-  Those sweet little nudges and kicks are now more like karate moves and sometimes they hurt.  Not so cute now that you are being kicked in the bladder when you REALLY have to pee.  Or when you get kicked in the lung/ribs and it takes your breath away.

Peeing- Take this advice ladies, map out every bathroom to every store between where you live and the places that you go on a regular basis.  You will get in the car and have to pee at some point and when you have a 5lb baby sitting on your bladder there is no time to waste.

Discharge-  By now you will definitely have an increased amount of discharge.  So much so that you may want to start wearing pads to keep your panties dry.  For some of you it may have a stronger odor, some of you may walk around feeling like you have peed on yourself because there is so much of it.  It's normal unless it's an odd color or very strong smelling so don't worry.

Incontinence-  You may or may not be able to hold it as long as you used to.  This is, for the most part, normal.  A badly timed sneeze or cough, or even laughing too much, can make you pee on yourself.  Get doing those kegles ladies they really help with this problem, and they help when it comes time to push that 7lb baby out too!

Nausea-  Some of you may see a return on that first trimester feeling.  Some of you may even start a new round of "morning sickness".  This isn't quite the same though.  This wonderful feeling is because all of your guts, including your stomach, are crammed up into your chest and there isn't much room to get food in there without it wanting to come back up.  Add that to the, now 2 mile long, turd in your bowels and its a boat load of fun.

I'm going to stop here because I don't want to completely horrify you.  That and my kids are home and  have to get homework done with them.  Stay tuned for my next "chapter" about what can happen as your body gets ready to give birth and giving birth.  If you aren't pregnant you may never want to have a baby after reading some of this shit hahaha.

As always comments are always welcome and please share this page with your friends :)


  1. well so far Heather has been lucky she hasnt had most of these, except for the constant need to pee and of course the kicking, true her breasts are highly sensitive but they dont hurt her as far as she tells me, as for the stretch marks, cocoa butter works wonders, she hasnt developed them from what i can see but then she still has 11 weeks left so plenty of time i suppose, hope i didnt jinx her :|

  2. Lolol, I really had a good laugh reading this!!! And SO true!