Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The post baby fun!

My little worm is a week old as of yesterday! Yay we made it through the first week without mommy losing her mind...well...not completely anyway.  So since I have had some time to get into the swing of things and get myself used to not sleeping again I figured I would tell you guys all about the postpartum joys we women get to experience.

1.  Where the fuck is my figure?!  I still look 4 months pregnant and to make matters worse its squishy like dough.  Don't get me wrong I wasn't skinny to start with but it would have been nice to go back to my pre baby fluffyness and not a post baby squish. I was lucky with my older 3,I left the hospital smaller than I was pre baby...guess my luck had to run out sometime. 

2. Holy nipples Batman!!  Not only do your nipples get bigger but they get darker too. If you decide to breast feed they stay this way until your done. If you bottle feed then they should go back to normal fairly soon. In the meantime don't look at your dinner plate sized nipples.

3.  Porn star tits yay...oh wait...leaky porn star tits!  Oh aren't they wonderful?!  Amazing boobs that most of us would love to have all the time, that is if they didn't hurt every fucking time you move and leak constantly. And watch out when you take off your bra...hit one of this things wrong and someone/something  is getting sprayed. 

4.  Why am I still an emotional basket case???  You got it kid...hormones....still. Fun huh?  After being moody for the last 9 months you can't wait to have your little bundle of joy so you can go back to feeling at least somewhat normal again yay!  Wrong!  Your hormones have to go back to normal....translation...prepare for a roller coaster of emotions that ends with a flaming crash in a week or 3. You will cry for no reason or want to kill the happy smiling mommies you see on TV because lets face it, you are anything but happy and smiling and they are sooooo faking it.  On a more serious note though please be aware of the signs of ppd and if someone tells you they think you are depressed please listen to them more often than not other people see it before we do. Be aware of how you are feeling and if you have more bad days than good call your Dr immediately for an appointment.

5.  Did it rain in my bedroom?  Nope I'm just sweating like a whore in church. You can blame those lovely hormones for this one too. You can, and probably will, wake up at night drenched in sweat. For a reference on how bad it is check out the movie Jack and Jill...more specifically the scene where Jack wakes Jill up from a nap and she gets out of bed leaving behind a sweat shadow.  Gross but oh so very true. And you thought the night sweats were gonna end after you had the baby ha!  Fooled you!

6.  It looks like a murder scene in my underware.  Ya...gross huh?  After you have a baby your lady bits will bleed worse than they ever have in your life. I have a pretty strong stomach and a passion for gore and this kind of blood loss is a bit much for me....though it may he because its actually coming from me...bit you get the point. Stock up on pads pre baby, you will go through a shit load of them. Oh, and before I forget that golf ball sized ball of blood that just fall out of you...that's normal.  So is the slimy texture and the weird brown tinge to it.

7.  Zombie mommy status. You can only go so many nights waking up every 2-3 hours and then staying up all day before you start to look like a zombie. You've seen tthe zombie mommy before. Dazed look on her face, glassy eyes, hair thrown into a ponytail of sorts and unbrushed, spit up stains on her shirt, and possibly mix matched shoes.  This will be you in a weeks time. You will hate anyone who is sleeping within a 5mile radius of your home and the one person you will hate the most is the person who knocked you up and caused this suffering. While he's laying there sleeping peacefully you will wait to smother him with a wet diaper as you try to feed the baby who won't stop screaming for the 5th time that night.

8.  Honey quick get the camera!  The post delivery poop.  After 9 months of not shitting right you will finally be able to poop again....and guess won't want to!  It doesn't matter how you delivered your baby you are not, I repeat, NOT going to want to push ANYTHING else out of your body.  Word of advice, take the stool softeners they offer you at the hospital.   Its going to hurt like a son of a bitch but you will feel sooooo much better. 

9.  Get the fuck out of my house!!!!!  Chances are you will have more visitors and well wishers than you can stand over the next month. You will have the few that come by to see the baby and go on their way and then you will have the ones like many mother in laws...they want to pretty much move in. There comes a point when you want to scream at the top of your lungs for everyone to get the fuck out.   That. Will be the only way to get these people out so don't be afraid to scream at the top of your lungs GET.THE.FUCK.OUT!!!!  Go ahead and practice it now if you want. I find screaming to be quite refreshing.

10.  WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!  Get used to this sound. You are going to be hearing it quite a bit here soon. Have fun trying to figure out exactly why the love of your life is screaming non stop in your face. Is he hot? Gassy? Hungry? Cold? Wet? Hurt? Sick? Oh my god someone make it stop I can't figure it out!!! 

11.  Master the art on being one handed.  From now until your little precious is mobile you better get used to being one handed. This includes while you are eating cleaning or cooking. Get creative with how you do things. Just be sure not to drop your dinner on baby's head while you are trying to eat and nurse/deed the babybat the same time.

Well that's all I can think of for now and I have a little bundle of joy screaming to be changed.  As always comments are always welcome and please share my page with your friends/follow me :)


  1. Coulda went my whoooollllllleeee life without #6 & #8. :x

  2. Dear Number 6,
    Yikes. Speaking of the lady bits, don't look. I have a love of anything medical. So after having Bella I was interested and got a was like a fucking train wreck and I couldnt look away. Scariest. Thing. Ever.

  3. hey u how u doing

    here i got a page on facebook
    about to start a website here soon