Wednesday, July 25, 2012

hospitals suck even more on the 2nd day...

So we are still here at the hospital with no answers...neither one of us are happy about still being here but theres not much I can do at this point so we wait.  I was sitting here this evening thinking about which Dr's came in today and who is who and who specializes in what and all that and I realized that there are 11 Dr's working on figuring out whats going on with my little worm.  While it makes me feel better that there are so many of them trying to figure it out it also terrifies me that they need so many to get to the bottom of it.  I would think that if it were something simple that it wouldn't take 11 Dr's to figure it out and fix it, but I didn't go to medical school so i could be TOTALLY wrong on that one.  So here's what I know so far.  They want to draw a bunch of blood for a shit ton of tests, so much that they cant take it all at once they have to break it down over 2 or 3 days, they want a urine sample so they are going to cath him, they want to do an ultrasound of his liver to see if they can see anything visibly wrong with it and we are currently still breastfeeding and I am now pumping after he nurses and feeding it to him in a bottle after the next feeding.  They seem to think that since he is a lazy latcher that hes not getting enough hindmilk and too much foremilk, and if that's all that it is then I will be a very happy momma!  He had his weight checked today and he didn't gain anything but he didn't lose either which is great!  Hopefully tomorrow we will see a gain and they will let us out of here.  So as of now that's all that I know.  I will update again when I know more I promise.

I must say that this is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  When Miss Priss was going through this it was far easier, she just wasn't gaining weight, she never had lab work that came back abnormal or anything like that, she just wouldn't grow.  Mr Worm is not only not gaining weight but hes got abnormal blood work and no one has any clue as to why yet.  The waiting is killing me.  The not knowing is pure torture!  It is such a helpless feeling to know that your child has something going on with them and there is nothing you can do about it.  I want to cry and let all these emotions out.  To finally ease the pain in my chest but I am scared if I do I wont be able to be strong again.  The past 2 days have been a whirl of Dr's and needles and questions without answers and so much going on I don't have time to worry while its all going on, its at night when its pretty quiet and there aren't people running in and out constantly that I want to just cry.  I want to make it all better for him and I cant.  I want to know why my baby cant be perfect like the other babies.  They say that God never gives you more than you can handle.  I call bull shit on that one!!  There is only so much one person can handle before they crack.  Yes it is my job as a parent to be strong for my kids and I will to the best of my ability because I want to make them feel safe, I want them to know that mommy is ALWAYS there for them.  My question is, who is going to be strong for me?  I need someone to be strong for me for a minute while I cry and let it alllllllllll out so I can continue to be strong for them.  I don't want my kids to see me in my moment of weakness, and they wont, but its pretty damn hard to keep the smile on my face while on the inside i am weeping for what my precious baby is having to go through.

So a bit of a change of tone here, earlier we got a new room mate in here, a little boy who is post op.  They weren't here an hour when I accidentally walked in the bathroom on his mom lolol.  There are no locks on the bathroom door in the rooms up here, i guess so some kid doesn't accidentally lock himself in?  I needed to rinse out my breast pump stuff and the only place to do it is the bathroom, so i knocked on the door and waited a second, no answer, so i opened the door and as soon as i opened it she said "someones in here!"  Well no shit, i see that now, why the fuck didn't you say that when i knocked on the door?!  So I came to the conclusion that women look fuckin helpless when we are on the toilet.  Most women sit there with their pants down to their knees(or ankles), hunched over like we are trying to hide our lady bits with our tits, and looking up right at the door.  It's like we are waiting on some one to bust through the door and catch us in this vulnerable position or something.  Its pretty funny to see when you think about it lol.  But since i walked in on her in the bathroom I cant seem to look at her when we are both out from behind our respective curtains.  It just seems wrong ya know.  

Anyways, I am going to get off here and attempt to read until Mr Worm wakes up again, I'm in for another long night since the kid in here seems to be awake now and the TV over there is on Elmo and loud as hell.  Not only that but this fold out chair is uncomfortable as hell and the nurse is due to come in again soon.
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