Vagina holes....

Yes, you read that right.  Vagina hole was the topic of conversation in my house the other day.  It was....um...interesting?  It started with Kira, she had picture day at school Monday, which I forgot about until the last minute.  Which means that I had her trying on clothes Sunday in an attempt to find her something that would look decent.  I had given her a black skirt to try on and, for once, she did without fighting me.  She comes prancing into the kitchen with this black skirt on and tells me "mommy theres a hole in it."  Great, the one thing that I thought would fit her without her looking like a prosti-tot and its got a damn hole in it!  So I asked her where the hole was and she pointed to what looked like the bottom of her skirt(it was just above her knees).  I looked and didn't see a hole.  About the time I finished looking for this mystery hole she whispers "not there....THERE!"  she bends over like shes trying to stick her head up her own butt and points to her vagina.  I stifled my laugh and told her, "well yes, there is a hole there, its supposed to be there."  "OH MY GAWD MY VAGINA HAS A HOLE IN IT!! ITS BROKEN!!!"  Let me tell you, it was INCREDIBLY hard not to laugh at this point.  Here she is standing in my kitchen, bent over in half with her head under her skirt yelling about her vagina being broken.  I have said it before and I am saying it again now.  Some days I am not mature enough for this parenting shit.  So the following conversation is what took place.
"No, its not broken.  Its supposed to be there."
"Why?"
"*sighs* because that's where women have babies from."
-----long pause-----
"I CAME OUT OF YOUR VAGINA!!!!!"
Of course this is the exact moment Kaden decided to walk into the room.  He was in his own little world as usual and as soon as she yelled that he stopped, looked at her with a look of disgust, looked at me and promptly "EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! Did I come out of your vagina too?!?!"
Oh dear God.  Why do my kids have to ask such weird questions?  They do have a dad they can ask too ya know.  Why does it ALWAYS have to be me?!
"Yes Kaden, all of you came out of my vagina."
"How?"
Kira of course has an answer for this one.
"I have a hole in my vagina and babies come from it. I am NEVER having a baby."
"You have vagina hole?!  I have a hole in my penis, its for pee to come out, does pee come out of that hole?"
"No, that's a different hole.'
Kira- "I have TWO vagina holes?!"
"Yes Kira, there are two holes down there,  one for pee and one for when you have a baby."
Kaden- "That is SO gross."

This conversation went on for FAR longer than I was comfortable with and I REALLY didn't want to be part of it.  The conclusion they finally came to was; Its weird that girls have 3 holes down there and boys only have 2.  Its completely gross that they came out of my vagina hole.  Kira is never having a baby. And they learned a new term....vagina hole.  This has been the main topic of conversation in my house since Sunday.  I am sooooo over hearing the term 'vagina hole'.  I am all for kids knowing about anatomy, and i will ALWAYS answer any questions they have, but I really wish they could start off with some easy ones.  Of course this whole vagina hole thing led into today's conversation with Kira while I was in the shower.  I have had plenty of conversations through the shower curtain, and I realized today my kids like to ask me the awkward questions while I'm in the shower.  I think they know they have me cornered and I'll have to answer them.  So, I decided that I was going to attempt to grab a quick shower this morning while Sy was content playing in his exersaucer and Kira was mesmerized by Super Why.  Probably not my brightest moment of the day since its rarely a good idea to leave Kira without supervision, but I desperately needed to take a shower and wake up some.  So I told her I was going to shower and I would be done by the time her show went off and to just sit there and watch TV.  She half ass nodded at me to let me know she heard me talking but didn't really process the words that came out of my mouth.  I grabbed a towel and got in the shower, leaving the door open so I could hear them and pulling the curtain open a bit so I could see them through the crack in the door.  I peeked through the door and saw that they hadn't moved and started washing my hair.  I actually got through shampooing without any interruptions woohoo!!  I rinsed and looked through the crack again and found them sitting contently and, thinking I was actually going to make it through an ENTIRE shower without someone needing something, I started to condition my hair.  That's when I heard "Mommy?" UGH!  This is what I get for thinking I suppose.  "What Kira?"  "What are these?" She sticks her little hand into the shower and grasped in it are a hand full of my tampons.  Are You Fucking Kidding Me?!  Praying that I could get away with a simple answer I told her "Those are tampons."
"What are tampons?"
"Cotton tubes?"
"What are they for?"
DAMN IT!!!
"For when a woman is on her period..."
"Whats a period?"
Of course shes not going to just leave it at that!
"Its when a woman bleeds from her vagina."
"From her vagina hole?"
"Yes."
"The one babies come from or the one you pee from?"
"The one babies come from."
"If babies come from there why does it bleed?"
"You don't bleed when you are pregnant, only when you aren't."
"Why do you bleed?"
Damn her and her interrogation!  I just wanted a 10 minute shower!
"Its complicated."
"Why?"
"Because it is."
"So...why does blood come from your vagina hole?"
"Because women have something called a uterus, once a month our bodies have an egg that goes into our uterus from something called an ovary, then it stick itself to the uterus.  If it doesn't get fertilized to become a baby our body gets rid of it so we bleed."
"We have eggs?  Like chickens?"
"No, not like chickens."
"OK."

I swear to God, this kid asks me a million questions a day!  I don't mind answering them but good lord gimme some easy ones once in awhile please.

Well my loves, I have to help the boys do homework so I have to run.  As always comments are always welcome and please share my page with your friends <3.

Hi there

I'm not going to waste much time with saying hi and sorry I haven't written in awhile.  I have a lot to say and a very short time to get it all out since its currently 630 on a Monday night and i have kids that i have to get ready for bed and school tomorrow really soon.  This is your warning, if you are easily ass hurt, hit the back button now.  So, lets get this shit started.

There are a lot of things that irritate me, down right piss me off and make me shake my head.  Let's revisit some of the commandments shall we?  Lets start with Thou shalt not wear pajamas in public.  This includes when you take your child to school.  Yes your carebear/spongebob/scooby pj pants are cute and I'm sure kids think they look awesome because an adult is rocking a cartoon on their ass.  But the adults you encounter are all silently judging you for looking like a total slob who rolled out of bed 5 minuted before you had to walk out the door.  It takes all of like 30 seconds to slip on a pair of jeans and maybe another 10 seconds to button them up, provided they fit you properly anyway, please for the love of all things holy PUT ON SOME GOD DAMNED PANTS!!!!  This also goes for slippers.  If you don't want to bend your lazy ass over to tie your shoes invest in some flip flops.  They even make flip flop slippers that are soft and warm on the bottom of your foot but still look enough like a regular flop to wear them in public.  Brush your nappy ass hair.  I do not want to see you out in public looking like you have had a family of birds nesting in your hair.  To add to that, wash it please and if you don't at least put it up so no one can tell its oily.  I get it, I'm a mom, I know how hard it can be some days to get a shower and actually wash your hair and body without having to jump out, soap streaming down your face into your eyes and blinding you, tripping over the bathroom rug in your haste to find the towel that you left on the counter, to go break up a fight or find out what that huge banging sound was.  I totally understand.  But let me tell you something that you may not have thought about.  Ready?  The way you look reflects on your child(ren) and more often than not they are embarrassed of the way you look when you drop them off at school looking like this.  Of course they wont tell you because they don't want to hurt your feelings, but I am telling you, they don't want to be seen in public with you looking like a hobo.  Their friends see you and may joke them about it.  The other parents see you and think to themselves "well I know where little Johnny wont ever be going to play", that's right sweetheart, your house.  If you cant take the time to dress yourself to take your kid to school then you probably wont wont take care of my kid(s) to my standard when (s)he is at your house.  So in short, please look at least half ass presentable when you step out your front door. 

Common courtesy. I don't think I have written one about this yet, I didn't take the time to go look so I may be wrong.  But either way, this needs to be said.  Say please and thank you.  Its not that hard to utter those words in passing when someone does something nice for you.  I know you are too interested in talking on the phone to whomever but if I stand there and hold the door for you, you need to do 2 things.  The first one is step it into high gear asshole.  You may have all the time in the world but I am running late to my next stop and I am trying to be nice.  You are the type of person that I want to let the door go on.  If I stand there and hold it for you, and I wont unless you are 3 steps away or closer, please move your lazy ass a tad faster and when you walk PAST me to get into the store you can at the very least nod at me in appreciation.  I know, weird concept isn't it?  To actually be thankful that someone took 30 seconds out of their day to do something small to be nice to you but it really is the proper thing to do.  For those of you that don't say thank you, I am the bitch that will loudly say "You're welcome" as you pass me unnoticed.  Don't get an attitude with me, I was simply giving you the same respect you gave me, and teaching you a lesson.  Another thing.  If you see an elderly person or a person in a wheelchair HOLD THE FUCKING DOOR FOR THEM, help them get something off of a low or high shelf if they seem to be struggling to get it on their own.  Don't be a douche nozzle.  One day that will be you and the little asshats of this generation will ignore you as payback for all the times you did it.  Those that are elderly or disabled NEED the help.  Don't ignore them because you want to get finished with whatever trivial bull shit it is that you are doing.  Even when I am running REALLY late I still stop to help those that need it because its the right thing to do.  What the hell happened to people actually caring about others?  Is it really so hard to give a fuck about someone other than yourself?  Teach your kids to do the same thing.  Just today my wonderful Bub went with me to the store and on the way out an elderly gentleman was heading to the door, I was going to hold it for him but before I could even step to the side to get the door Bub grabbed it and held it for him.  I can not tell you how proud I was of him at that moment.  Not so much because he did it, but because he did it without me having to tell him to do it.  That was his own decision.  He has also given his jacket to a girl who didn't have one that he didn't even know while outside at school for a fire drill in the cold rain.  No one had to tell him to do it and she didn't ask him to do it.  He did it because he saw that someone else needed help and he was able to help them.  Yes, I totally just took the chance to brag about my most awesometastic 8 year old, but I also told you that because its pretty fucking sad that an 8 year old knows the right thing to do and most adults don't.  I don't think its that we have forgotten how to be nice to each other, I think its a case of a few rotten apples spoiling the bunch.  Those who were nice ran into one too many dickweeds and said fuck it I'm done being nice if no one appreciates it.  Which is understandable to a point, but how are we ever going to teach our children that isn't how we are supposed to be unless we lead by example? 

Relationships.  Mainly dysfunctional pairings between two seemingly compatible people that can tolerate each others bull shit.  There are those few rare cases of people that are truly in love and would die without the other one.  My grandparents were one of those rare couples and my grandmother has been mourning herself to death(literally) since my grandpa passed away in 2006.  She has lost her mind and when he died she lost her will to live.  She would have been dead already except her body refuses to give it up.  Shes super healthy for an 80 something year old and despite what her mind wants, her body says not yet.  But I'm straying off topic here.  Then there are those relationships(for lack of a better term) that shouldn't have ever in a million billion years happened.  The ones that you look at and say to yourself "what the fuck was s/he thinking?"  This usually happens to those  with low self esteem, self image issues, handicaps and the extremely overweight.  Sad but true.  More common than not the man is the asshole and the woman is the one, or more,  with one of the previously mentioned things going on.   She is so desperate to find and keep love that she will do whatever it takes to keep the so called "man" that "loves" her.  These "men" are predators.  They look for women like this because someone with self respect would never in a million years be with him.  As a side note this can go either way but I am keeping it simple for myself.  When you want to go hang out with a friend and your "man" gets pissed off about it because you aren't spending every possible moment with him, you need to leave his ass.  In a healthy relationship you maintain your friendships with other people because you NEED to have friends.  Its even worse when he makes you feel guilty about it.  "If you loved me as much as you say you do then you would want to be with me and not your friends."  Bull shit!!!!!  If you loved me you would understand that my friends were here long before you were and when, and if, I drop your sorry ass they are the ones that will be here for me.  If he wants you to do things that you don't want to do(mainly sexually) or you aren't ready for and then tells you that you don't love him if you don't do them, leave his ass.  You are nothing more than a piece of ass to him.  When your friends tell you that the "relationship" you are in isn't healthy you need to step back and look at it from another perspective, especially if they have been in a relationship similar to the one you are in.  Learn from their mistakes and save yourself a lot of heartache and bull shit in the long run.  If he says I love you or wants you to marry him within a few weeks of meeting, then chances are hes a douchebag and you need to leave him, especially if you aren't sure of your feelings yet.  Him saying that he loves you at such an early stage in the relationship is his way of trapping you.  Plain and simple.  Women are nurturing creatures.  We are also far more emotional than men and men know exactly how to play on that shit.  If he says he loves you you aren't going to run as easily because you don't want to hurt him.  You will hang around until you are so emotionally beaten that you actually think that you love him too.  You don't, hes made you dependant on him because hes played on your emotions so much, and secluded you from your friends(and sometimes family) to the point you feel like no one wants to be around you but him.  That they don't support of love you anymore and you have to stay with him.  Lemme tell you something sweetie, that's bull shit.  We are all still here for you and will always support you because that's what friends and family are for and because we love you.  So when you finally realize what has happened we will be here waiting with open arms to welcome you back to reality and we will help you pick up the shattered pieces of your heart and soul and we will rebuild you into a stronger woman.  ANY kind of abuse should not be tolerated and you should run as far and as fast as you can as soon as possible.  I will even go out on a limb here and say that if any of my wonderful readers are in this situation you can come to me if you don't want to go to friends/family.  I will give you an objective opinion and help you as much as possible.  If you don't want to put yourself out there by posting in the comment section below you can email me at mommyto4crazykids@gmail.com.  I am always available to help.  This goes for men too.  Its not always women that get abused. 

Well my loves , I would love to stay here and talk to you forever, and believe me I have LOTS more to say, but I have to go get my kids ready for bed and school tomorrow.  Its a dirty job but someone has to do it :).  As always comments are always welcome and please share my page with your friends <3