Thursday, December 13, 2012

I wanna be a man damn it!

I absolutely HATE going to the Obgyn. Passionately hate it. First you have to wait in a room full of women who are all there for the same reason you are and all of us are uncomfortable and its just awkward. Then you get called back and the nurse lady asks you a million questions abouts what's going on with your lady bits. Im sorry if I don't exactly want to tell you about my periods while sitting at your desk, which happens to be in the hallway next to all 4 rooms that are full. Then she wants to make you get on the scale. Now we all know that women don't want to be weighed and we damn sure don't want someone else knowing what our weight is so IMO ifs just plain wrong that they make you do it. Then after she's done torturing you they send you into a small room that is roughly -30 degrees and make you strip off your pants and panties and get up on the exam table(which looks like a torture device at this point) with only a paper blanket to cover half of your bottom half with. Great, now not only am I slightly embarrassed from the questioning and weight bull shit but now I'm pants less and freezing to death. So you sit and wait, looking at the posters of random shit on the walls, trying to not get frostbite and to calm your nerves. Then comes the knock at the door *tap tap tap* and the Dr walks in. Brief hello's are said and s/he instructs you to scoot your ass to the very edge of the table and put your feet in the stirrups. *shudder* we all know what comes next. The frozen salad ting thingies being shoved I side your most sensitive place, and not too gently mind you, the you hear the click....horrid sound....and you feel it open your wooha WAY wider than it should be. I swear to Jesus they are trying to see tonsils when they do that shit!  Sorry darlin but mine were removed more than 10yrs aago, you can stop looking for them now!  Now that the salad tongs are in and you are spread wide open the Dr decides its a great time to start talking to you...about the stupidest shit!  I don't want to talk to you while you are elbow deep in my lady bits. Besides the fact that its really weird, I would much rather you concentrate on what you are doing and not telling me about your family flying in for Christmas and how much yij are dreading it. Know what? I can tell you are dreading it...because I think you just poked my brain with the brush thingie you have shoved in me!  Don't talk about things that are unpleasant while you are in there! I mean I understand this isn't supposed to be fun, and I can tolerate a fair amount of pain but this is ridiculous. I want to be able to think and function on my own once I leave here and if you keep poking my brain stem I'm going to become a drooling idiot before this is over with. Then its over, it only lasts a few minutes but it feels like an eternity. The salad tongs, which have somehow managed to stay cold the entire time, are all bit ripped out and the Dr stands up and washes his/her hands. You sit up feeling like you were just violated in the worst way and desperately want to just get dressed and be on your way home. But nnnnooooooo now the Dr wants to ddiscuss things with you. You couldn't talk to me about these things while you were down there? Oh that's right your were too busy making small talk to discuss anything else with me. Fine lets talk but I want to get dressed first. Why is it the Dr has to leave the room while you put your pants back on? Its not like they haven't seen it, you were just down there!  But no, the Dr has to leave the room while you pull your pants and shoes back on and now you sit for another eternity waiting in him/her to come back to talk so you can leave. Fourth five minutes later the Dr is back and your can finally go home yay!
I seriously hate having to go through that shit every single fuckin year.

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